The Top 13 Reasons You’re Having Trouble Finding a Job

13. You list “smokin’ weed” as a hobby on the job application.

12. Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.”

11. All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock puppet, “Socky.”

10. You’re not willing to risk being downsized since you’re not so sure it really doesn’t refer to your penis.

9. In your zealousness to pad, you claim 20 years of Java and 25 years of HTML.

8. After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.

7. “Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

6. Even though Yanni sells all those records, there’s no job market for “masters of the pan flute.”

5. Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

4. Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

3. You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”

2. Apparently, the high-priced-gigolo-to-Daycare-worker transition is one of the tougher ones.

1. Still busy looking for the real killers.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.